One Week Ago

A flood of emotions come to me when I think back to one week ago. Instantly my life was changed forever. I was scared, excited and left with a loss of emotion. Many times throughout the twins pregnancy I had felt that way. Something inside me turns off when I am faced with an emotional issue. Often times people would ask me "how are you doing?", "are you really okay?" And truthfully most of the time I was. I would break down to Shawn at night sometimes but most the time I had a lack of emotion. I knew The Lord was there for me. I prayed a lot. I also know that a lot of prayers were said in our behalf. Thanks.

I was admitted into the hospital on Tuesday the 26th. Because Twin A (that is what he went by at that point. Also another way to unattach me emotionally from the situation) had gained 800 grams in the past 3 weeks. Where Twin B had only gained 60 grams. Of course throwing up a red flag. Dr.s watched closely and monitored heart rates daily. But something inside me just wanted to be done. Not for myself but in fear that if we waited much longer our outcome might not be.... But we kept plugging along trying to find a firm reason for them to be out not in. Friday afternoon I went in for an ultrasound to check the cord doppler. Long story short the blood flow to Baby B was not good. That was the signal we had been waiting for. The next question to arise was vaginal delivery or c-section. We had talked a lot to my Dr. about it but never had a firm answer. Looking at the positive and negatives we chose c-section. They wanted to wait until 6:30 so my lunch would digest. But after putting the babies on the heart monitors they quickly deiced this needs to happen now. Again at that point I was numb to any emotions. At least from the outside I was. Inside I kept thinking what if.... There were so many unknowns and scary maybes that I wasn't sure if I could handle. The operating room was scary and that was when at least some emotions came through. I was alone and afraid of the pain, but most of all I just wanted to skip the next hour and know the end result.

They prepped me, everything went really fast and looking back it was really foggy and cold! I remember the room was freezing. I wanted Shawn there so bad. Finally they let him in and fate was knocking at our door. Tears rolled down my eyes and for the first time in this pregnancy I let my emotions come through. When I heard the first cry, Baby A, I felt a bit of relief especially once they held him up for me to see him. But I knew the scary part was coming next. To my surprise Baby B also cried, not a loud cry but there was noise. But they didn't show him to me. Which scared me. Shawn ran out with the babies and there I laid afraid of what was next.

Luckily a really nice guy sensed my fear and went out and came back and said all is well with Baby B also. It was over, well... kind of. The next few hours were blurry. Luckily Shawn took lot of pictures. Shawn kept me updated. What a relief it was to hear they were breathing room air and not on a ventilator. He kept telling me everything is fine, they are doing great.  I tried in the middle of the night to go and see them but I was to weak and sick to my stomach. A think around 6 I had the strength to get down to the NICU. I have to admit I had very little emotion the first time I saw Luke and Sam. It was like I was looking at someone elses babies. Not really being able to hold them and nurse them or have any form of bonding is hard. And also to have a nurse hovering over you, it is just a weird experience. (I don't feel that way now though, they are mine and I can't get enough of them.)

The past week has been challenging with recovery. But these babies are amazing. I am sure there will be bumps in the road. But so far our prayers have been answered. They have there Cpaps off. Which makes them so much more comfortable and cuter. They are on high flow and close to being moved to low flow.  They have the umbilical lines out now, they are only being fed through a tube from their mouths to their tummies.  Nearly all of their nutrition is mothers milk (which in now my milk, there is a lot of pumping going on at this house. Jack thinks it is sweet that his Mom knows how to make babies and milk :)) Speaking of Jack, he was able to come and see his little brothers for the first time on Sunday. He was very sweet and loved holding Sam's hand. He was also was so interested in which baby was A and B and loves that there is a small one and a big one!They have lost weight for most of the week but on Thursday Luke was up 65 grams and Sam 55 grams. Which is amazing. My favorite part is that we get to hold them. I love that it is the one thing that pulls us apart from the nurses. I feel like it is the best bonding thing we can do right now. We hold them skin to skin, bare chest to bare chest. On Thursday I was able to hold them together. I think all three of us loved it.

The care that Luke and Sam get is amazing. Every nurse has been outstanding. I love to watch them take care of my babies they are all great and loving. They are also great at helping us heal and feel at peace. The Dr.s are so confident in everything they do. Everyone makes us feel special and loved there. Everyday at "rounds" (where they tell us the updates on both babies in the past 24 hours) they all praise the boys. They think that Sam is a "champ" for his size he is making improvements in leaps and bounds. It has been a hard, yet an amazing experience. I wouldn't change it for anything. I feel the love of my Heavenly Father everyday. I know that these two boy were supposed to come to our family. I know they will be strong, brave little boys who will teach me more than I will ever be able to teach them. They make me realize the importance of being a mother. I feel overwhelmed sometimes at the role I have been given. My boys mean everything to me. Last thing is I have to give a lot of credit to Shawn for being an amazing Dad and husband. He has kept us all moving forward. He has been my anchor this past week and the love he has for all three boys is amazing. I am aware that the road ahead is long but I look forward to it.